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Introducing:) The on3 and only Hema!Turning 21 soon.Currently studying in SIM-UOL( Economics and Finance)
Three main wishes: First is to die dancing. Second is to live without any regrets and third is to have this family for ever end ever:)
Contact: Hahahhaha, you either have it or you dont:)
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Date: Monday, April 25, 2011 | Time: 7:15 AM
When the whole world starts crumbling around you, the least you can do is to let the tears flow and hold on tight to your confidence. Everyone has dreams that they are able to attain. Why is it that I cant dream?
I am missing my attha really badly. I still need you to teach me and guide me. It has been a decade but I still miss you like crazy. Am I doing the right thing? Should I continue on this journey? Give me a sign, any sign attha, so I will know what to do.
Days like this never seem to cease but I guess I will hold on and fight. Hasn't my whole life been a struggle and haven't I always managed to merge triumphant? This is just another battle and I hope I can get through it.
★ Aint about the money at all;)
Date: Thursday, April 7, 2011 | Time: 4:51 AM
I always have an urge to blog whenever I have a new realisation dawning upon me. I guess we have all heard and read and watched all those busy businessmen who realised that time is short and finally come to their senses at the end of the movie or book. Because it does not actually happen in real life. Sure, people will go around claiming that love makes the world go around, blah blah blah but no one, not even those who claim it and believe in it, stop to live life. We all chase after something in our lives, we chase after money, jobs, education qualifications but we never seem to chase after time. Time, as our teachers so rightly put it, cannot be bought nor sold. I cannot do a transaction with time and if I deposited it into the bank, it will not grow. Time is extremely precious, so much more valuable than gold, credit cards, cars, condominiums. It cannot be presented. However, it can be shared and it is very important who we share it with.
I used to be a softie, someone who cries very easily and I probably had a million fears. I didnt like speaking up, said yes to everyone and aimed to please. circumstances changed and things happened and I told myself that I have to toughen up. I got rid of my fears except for the niggling one that is cats, started becoming really sarcastic- up to the point where I irritate the shit out of my mother, said no to everything and everyone and stopped aiming to please anyone but me. Call it a rebellion, call it selfish, even I am not sure what and why that happened. The effects were tremendous- I was funny, witty, cool and someone not to be messed with. I am not going to lie, I loved being like that, it was so much more easier living for myself than living for everyone else. Without a care to what people think of me, what they would feel when I said something hurtful. Wearing short dresses with plunging necklines because my friends were doing so and whenever I wore something conservative, they giggling and talking behind my back. Forgetting my attha's words of wisdom so that I can blend in. Wanting to look attractive and feel sexy. Probably all that is alright, I am not sure. I am human after all, with my flaws. I have no right to judge anyone, I have just realised that. I changed - I used to think for the better. I started on my quest to earn more money, everything started to be placed into neat columns. I earned this much, this amount has to be saved, this amount has to be used to help Ma. I am not ashamed of it any longer. For someone who used to get everything with a snap of her finger, the economic recession hit my family really hard a few years back. My father lost his job, none of my friends knew about it. My friends are the sort who scoff if my shorts are not the proper size or if I am not as skinny as them so I doubt they would have stood by me. I grew up then, more than my nineteen years of life. I learnt that money meant everything in this world, there were days when Nandhini and I had to live off biscuits at times. I vowed to myself that I would never let such a situation hit my sister again, she is my baby sister after all. I guess that is when I toughened up. I had to, I was left with no choice. I learned more about me during those hard times. I had no one to lean to, no one to cry to so I forced the tears back in and became hard. Probably the change is for the better but somewhere along the process, I lost myself. I lost the uniqueness that was Hema. I lost the will to give and help out. I became cynical about everything and everyone around me. I got angry when people around me were able to own things, when I cant even get a blouse worth ten dollars. Me, the girl who never ever used to value materialistic things, became the woman who wanted these material possessions. Me, the girl who was always willing to help, became the woman who only helped when there was something to be gained from. Me, the girl who used to love in abundance, became the woman who was wary of the love she gave and received.
Then that woman came across a book today and realised that what she used to think was the right one. I may not have a set of rich parents but I have a pair who loves me for who I am, a father who still hugs me as if I am still two and collects my vomit in his hands( when I really could not control), a mother who fights with anyone who just jokes that we took something and tucks us in bed still. I may not have an iphone but I have a wacky sister who has to keep up with my nonsense and who keeps me awake throughout the night playing silly make believe games. I may not have travelled much but I have a cousin who insists that I should be made her godmother, a sitthi who calls all the way from Australia at twelve in the night to ask the green pea porridge recipe. I may not have a driving license but I have an uncle who drives all the way fromTampines to drop me back at Yishun, without any complaints. I may not have a HUGE group of friends but I have a handful who goes the way out to make me feel better. I may not have gotten into the best uni and doing a double degree but I have a nephew who thinks I am God and that the ground that I walk on is gold. I may not have dined at some high class restaurant but I know how to whip up a wonderful batch of chocolate cookies and excellent spaghetti sauce.
So yeah, in terms of monetary possessions, I may be a zero. But when it comes to love, I think I am the richest girl out there.