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Introducing:) The on3 and only Hema!Turning 21 soon.Currently studying in SIM-UOL( Economics and Finance)
Three main wishes: First is to die dancing. Second is to live without any regrets and third is to have this family for ever end ever:)
Contact: Hahahhaha, you either have it or you dont:)
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Date: Thursday, May 29, 2008 | Time: 6:05 AM
Things that have happened over the past few days. Or shall I say weeks? Finally, got the guts to admit that I have gotten a rejection letter from SMU, some multilingualism thingy from NTU and still waiting for my letter from NUS. My mind is kinda set on going to SIM for Econs and Finance though. I think I am finally gonna do something for myself instead of what people are gonna think. I am kinda proud of myself, I guess. The guts to live and do something for myself. It feels better saying this and following through with it. There are also a lot of things that I have realised. That you must love and treasure yourself first before you expect anyone, and I mean ANYONE, can love you for who you are. I am trying to love myself for who I am and trying not to beat myself up for the flaws that I do have. Cos everyone has flaws and nobody is perfect. I am not going to stare at my reflection and wish for a sharper nose, for twinkling eyes and for lips that are not that full. I am not going to wish for a smaller bosom, for a smaller waist and literally a figure that is flat cos thats what guys are interested in right now. I am not going to wish for brain cells that are able to function at a greater speed with really good efficiency. I am going to be happy living with myself. I am going to thank God for my large eyes, my round nose and my full lips. I am going to feel proud of my voluptuous figure. Instead of hiding it within baggy sweats and pants, I am gonna flaunt it with pride and joy. I am not going to dwell in sorrow cos I could not go into NUS but am going to work hard in whatever that I am going to do. I am going to be proud of myself cos confidence is whats that is important. Anyway when you exude confidence, you do turn heads. I have realised that. But sometimes certain attention is kinda creepy. Like today. When I was walking home from the MRT station, this totally creepy Indian guy form India was following me really closely in his bicycle. Of course, my heart has the usual tell tale of fear but I remained as calm as a cucumber and gave him the "Fuck off" look. Which amazingly worked out! He did turn a few times to see me but he cycled away. Thank God for that! What a creepy encounter!I feel soooo alive today by the way. Cos I just hit the gym and ran in the treadmill for a full half an hour and ran a total of 7 rounds which amounted to 2.85km. I have to continue this cos it really, honestly feels GREAT!Loves, thats it:)
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Date: Monday, May 26, 2008 | Time: 2:37 AM
This weekend has been friends weekend and I really enjoyed it minus the few setbacks that I had. I am cancelling loads of tuition but its as if I do not care anymore. I have only one chance at my life and I want to live it to the fullest. And I am glad that I made the decisions that I have made. Choosing SIM over a local uni because I am more interested in the course at SIM was one of the toughest decision that I have to make. The plus point is that I have Pam with me, hopefully:) I sincerely hope that I can go somewhere, be someone, someday. And I am going to thrive hard for it. I guess I have finally matured in the sense that I now know that the name of the school does not really matter as long as you love doing what you are doing. So what if I didnt get to NUS FASS though I so badly wanted to do psychology? I have learnt that, probably God has a different game plan for everyone and that just because I did not get into the school, and the course of my choice, I am not gonna be sore about it. So what if one dream shatters? The sky is still wide enough for someone to dream another thousand dreams. So what if I am not that smart to get into NUS? I am unique and I am sooo glad that I am someone who at least TRIES to be thankful of what she has, rather than to yearn for more. My dreams were simple and I could not attain them. Probably for this drama mama, there is a whole new world out there and I am going to find it. I am not going to let this one totally major thing upset me nor take over my life. Cos now I seriously know how it feels to be on the other end if someone commits suicide. And it totally reeks. After the class gathering, I went for tuition and then set off to Pam and Sateesh's house for the sleepover and it was the most magical, beautiful thing in the world. Not only did I have loads of fun, I learnt loads of things too. Like the fact that life is sooo unpredictable and that we have to live life for each day. I realised this when Sylo and Suren said that their three year old cousin died. I cried for the many sunrises and sunsets that she didnt get to see, the many emotions that she had yet to flavour, the bonds that she has yet to make. Life is unfair in the sense that no one always get what they want ,( ok , so some people get whatever they want but these people never, ever seem satisfied.) but I think people must learn to live with it. Cos it is a beautiful thing, this road we travel on, this journey we call life and it knowingly and unknowingly teaches many things that are far better than the subjects we learn at school. I realise that life is a gift and that no one has the right to refuse that precious gift. The stories that Sylo told me about her best friend who had just committed suicide broke my heart. The way she looked soo lost, telling me about what Sharan did, said. I do not even know that guy but my heart goes out to the mere fourteen year old boy who had the courage to jump down from the seventh storey but who failed to realise that he had true friends who cared about him sooo much, friends who would have stayed with him through thick or thin. I do not even know him but his death will forever remain a part of my life. And I bet that he will forever continue to live in his friends' and in his sister's heart. I missed out the parents cos they were the cause of his death and I pray that other parents who expect their children to be picture perfect will learn a lesson from this.God bless, Sharan. I will pray that your soul should rest in peace.
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Date: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 | Time: 2:38 AM
I have been feeling really sickly for the past two days. So bad that I had to cancel all my tuition and I am feeling really guilty about it. I hate it when I get this sick. I feel sooo nauseous and puking out whatever that I have eaten. The only thing that has been staying in my tummy right now, for the past two days, is the chicken rice I had for lunch just now. Argh! I hate feeling this sick. Probably I am really depressed about the fact or should I say the realisation that I cannot get into NUS and that my childhood dream will just remain that, a foolish, fairy tale dream.
But, being just me, I am not one to just sit around and lament on my fate or wallow in self pity, though that feels really good at times. So, I have decided to go ahead with SIM and for once, heck what the people are gonna say though it is really gonna hurt. I know for a fact that I am not intelligent enough to get into NUS so when thay are gonna reinforce that point, I must just learn to live with it, I guess. Why was I ever considered the smart one? I am feeling soo guilty also for the mere fact that now Ma and Pa have to cough up like 25k and they have to pay that in cold cash. Gosh, why was I born sooo stupid?! Then, there are people who complain that they only get interviews from smu or ntu. I mean, at least you get something! I cannot believe that I am suffering as such cos I had one bloody S for my Chem! Chem, you shall forever be my arch rival:(
I am really hating myself right now and no matter what others say, I am going to be feeling like that for a looong time. It does not help that Ma and Pa are being sooo sweet about it. They do not deserve such a stupid daughter. I feel like shrivelling up and die, like really die. Like my mind has lost its capability to think and my body has lost its power to move. I feel like a walking zombie. Hell, at least a zombie is not able to think! Whoever said that Man is the superior being cos he was able to think has to have his ass stuffed up his nose, honestly.
I wanna curl myself into a ball and scream out aloud,
I wanna fling myself towards a cliff and forget my worries,
I wanna stop all this feeling and thinking,
I wanna stop ceasing to exist.
I wanna throw my worries to the ever raging wind,
I wanna forever keep on swimming against the strong currents of the sea.
I just wanna be free....
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Date: Sunday, May 11, 2008 | Time: 7:11 PM
I simply had the GREATEST birthday! I know that I am 19 now already.*Gasps and shudders* but still I think it was one of my best! Firstly, I celebrated it for one and a half days so I had double the fun and love! Hehe. On Friday, I woke up in the morning and went to have Mac breakfast with Nan and Nandy( I know, its confusing:) I had sooo much fun being the clown. Lols. Then, managed to persuade Nandy to follow us back home. Sathish was waiting for us. Once home, Nans decided that she didnt want to go for higher Tamil class cos I cancelled my tuition for that day( and believe me, it felt REALLY good!)*winks* So anyway, She called Aish to inform her that she is not going and I kinda felt bad for Aish so I asked Nans to ask her to come over too. Haha, no surprises there, she agreed. The three little monkeys locked themselves up in our room and were looking at photographs whilst Sathish and I were busy burning songs. Then, he had to go for some interview so he left. Then, I decided to play Cluedo with the three monkeys and it was, undoubtedly, the most hilarious game I have ever played! I laughed till my sides ached ( and yes, the tears were rolling down my cheeks, Haha.) And for the record, Aish is as sarcastic as me! Thats telling something aites?!Saras and Farhan then called me asking if I was up for a early birthday treat that day itself as I had dance on my actual birthday. I was ready for it. We soooo badly wanted to watch Made of Honor but since I still have a curfew*sobs* and the earliest movie started only at 9.40, we decided to watch What Happens in Vegas instead. Sooo, the three monkeys and I walked to Northpoint and I went to met Farhan and Saras, the three monkeys went to stuff themselves with food. ( It is a small wonder how all three manage to be sooo skinny.) So ya, then my dear besties treated me to a movie and food and it was great fun. But, the better part was after the movie. We decided to walk to Yishun Park. Actually, they wanted to and I was scared shit that Ma will find out but since it was about to be my birthday, I decided to be a little daredevil. We walked all the way to the multi storey car park where my dear sisters were practising their dance and I believe that they got a surprise of their lives.*Ahem, ahem* Well, then anyway, after that the three of us decided to continue on our night time stroll while stopping at various places to snap pictures. Haha, that was funny too. Then came the really creepy part. The three of us were walking near Huamin Primary School when I saw three Indian boys sitting down at the void deck. So, I had to open my big fat mouth and joke that they were taking drugs and Saras piped in. Only Farhan was like shushing us but as usual, we ignored him and continued with our little joke. Until Saras said," Ya, they even have a bucket in the middle." i turned and got a shock out of my life. They were REALLY smoking dragon.Ewwww, gross. I panicked cos Saras was literally walking towards them and Farhan quickly flagged down a cab. Man, that was CREEPY!Well, anyway, the birthday was up to a great start and I came back home at ten, with a truly happy heart and a smile that hurted my jaw.Hehehe. I was watching Mondru Mugham when Ma and Nans insisted that I had to go to bed. That was not before they had wished me Happy Birthday cos it was already midnight. I realised that something was amiss but decided to play along. Then, when I was really settling in for the night, Ma called me out to say that Pa wanted to tell me something and when I went out to the hall, my entire cousin crew were there, with a lit birthday cake. Durga ka, Jes ka, Gayatri ka, Muthu anna, Vadi anna, Devan anna and the greatest surprise, Saravanan anna. I was sooo touched, I teared up. But then again, that is classic Hema reaction. They stayed for a while and then they went back home. I was already thinking that this was turning out to be a great birthday! And Aish called at midnight to wish me! Was soo touched:) And, Parents are the sole reason why children can still be children. I sooo badly wanted a Disney Princess colouring book and they got me that and a diary. Cos my diary volume 1 is about to finish and I need a volume 2 s that gift was just perfect. Hehe. Nans got me this beautiful photo frame with our picture in it and I really loved it cos the photo brought back memories and the photo frame just screamed Hema.And even Nans admitted that I am a princess. *laughs*. Woke up at eight in the morning to go for tuition and when I was coming back, almost got hit by a bloody lorry. Aargh! That aside, I had loads of birthday wishes but the greatest surprise was when one of my tuition kiddies, Anna remembered my birthday and smsed me a wish. I was literally on cloud nine. Hehe. Went back home and since it was a Saturday,had the usual drill of Sangeetam and dance lessons. Shanana gave me a big kiss and a very pretty birthday card that she had made on her own. Then, stole a few minutes to shop with Jothi sitti and Shalini at OG. Then, we were off to Sentosa for dinner and I actually felt like a blue-blooded princess. Lols.Met Durga ka and Jes ka there and throughout the entire course of dinner, we were laughing and crapping with Ma. Haha, then decided to go for a walk along the beach. We all took out our shoes, including Ma, and walked in the sand, with the cool breeze. It was utterly GORGEOUS! Then, of course, we camwhored. Thats like a tradition*grins*.The kas gave me this really, really beautiful key chain with my name and I really loved it! On the way back home, the four of us, squeezed in the backseat, sand songs and in all, it really was a great, great birthday!:)The next day was Mother's Day so Nans and I waited for midnight to give Ma our gift and to wish her. She really loved the scented candles we got her. Nans has got great choice when it comes to gifts. Then, we had to sleep cos I had tuition the next day.My day started at eleven. I went to Vikram's house at twelve, then rushed to Keith's which was at two and at AMK and then, went to Bishan for my last tuition for that day. It ended at 6.30. Then, rushed to Bishan Periamma's house where Shree ka gave me my huge birthday present which turned out to be a converse bag and pouch. From there, we took a cab to Bedok Periamma's house( which is actually in Tampines, Go figure,hehe.) for the Mother's Day celebration. The cake was delicious and all the mothers got a present. And Sathish and Raj are really funny when they disturb Saravanan. And Shamini should really go and learn some manners. But that is not my problem.All in all, it was a great weekend!:)
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Date: Wednesday, May 7, 2008 | Time: 9:17 PM
I did the unbelievable yesterday. Woke up in the morning and completed doing the invitations for Nandhini. Then, was feeling a bit stressful so decided to clean up the prayer room. I always get a feeling of satisfaction when I do that and right now, I am feeling loads of emotions and the weather is suiting it. So ya, anyway that wasnt the unbelievable thing that I did. Read on:)Got ready to go for tuition and decided to wear my new cinderella 'glass slippers'. I learnt two important lessons that day. First, never ever, get flip flops for ten bucks. The other lesson, never go for fancy stuff unless you are really sure that it is comfortable. Well, anyway it really went well with my outfit and it was okayy at the beginning. Then, I started getting aches at the back of the heel and at the side of my foot. Worse still, the wounds started to bleed and I had sooo much difficulty walking. I was literally limping my way to and fro tutiton. The sandals were actually eating into my skin and I felt like crying out in pain. But me, just being me, I held my head up high and as usual walked like I own the world. The only problem? I was limping, real bad. As in walk in slow motion and I was cursing myself. I messaged Nandhini to whine about my woes and she joked that I should go barefoot. Which gave me a brainstorm. Which I did, without any hesitation and suprised even myself. Yupp, I walked barefoot to Sangeeta's house and walked back to the busstop to get the bus back home. The bus driver just gave me the weird look cos I ran for the bus barefoot. I must have looked like some tribal woman, with my pink skirt and my bare foot! Hahaha. The forces must have been against me cos Pa was in a meeting THAT day and I had to go back home on my own! Aargh! But, I proved to myself that I can take up any challenge.Well, anyway, I walked the entire stretch to my condo barefoot and there was this total hottie who just smiled at me. I think he must have thought I was some sort of a loony and I do not blame him. Hehe. The secutiry guards just stared at me in disbelief. I felt kinda free without the damn sandals on my foot. Nandhini actually came down to see me walking barefoot, like I was some sort of exhibit. Hehe. Then, I did the craziest thing! I started twirling, dancing right next to the swimming pool to the tune of Keep Holding on! Hahahaha. I honestly think that too much worrying has done something to my brain cells.I am unique and the people who love and appreciate me for who Iam, thanks for dealing with a wacky, little girl! Hehehe.
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Date: Monday, May 5, 2008 | Time: 10:54 PM
I am soo disappointed in myself. My posts have not been as lengthy as what is expected of me. *Tsk, tsk!* The stupid brand new computer is making stupid noises, I swear I am going to throw it down and stamp on it or burn it and blow it into pieces. ( Ignore the lameness of that particular statement, I am just frustrated.) Aargh, stop that bloody noise , you bloody thing!
Anyways, I should just ignore that damn annoying noise,( but I am gritting my teeth when I am writing this down.) What is love actually? I seriously think that the word has lost its sacred meaning. I mean, how can you find true love once, dump him and then find true love again? Isnt that what is happening in today's society? Is it really love or is it just plain lust?I really think that it is the latter. I mean, come on, if you truly love someone, you will be willing to wait your whole life to make love with that person. But, nowadays sex is like something that is entirely ordinary instead of being that cleansing, pure thing that is the union of two souls when they know they will become one. It is the purity of it that used to create a new life, born out of love, understanding and unity. Nowadays, the meaning of these words gets a big huh? to it. Teenagers have sex when they are sixteen and then they go and abort their child. That is like the destruction of a life and though I may be a blue blooded science student, I truly believe that the act of creation and destruction solely belongs to that of God.
The other day, I was talking about the world's greatest debate that has existed as long as this world has existed with Keith. The never ending argument as to who created us? God or the mere accident that scientists pride themselves of discovering? Opinions will differ and as what I have mentioned before, I am never one to force my views on to others. I believe that there is a God but with the help of Science, we will be able to get closer to the almighty. I know that Science destroys too but isnt that the actions of Mankind? As long as there are people in this world who have their moral grounds firmly planted to the ground, Science will be able to prevail in its journey to help cure and aid, instead of destroy. I seriously believe that.
I have sooo obviously gotten off the track here. I was talking about true love. How does one know if he or she is the one? The only two couples I know who are with their true soul mates are my dear parents and Sheela sitti and Brad uncle. Does your heart tell you that he is the one? Or is it something that happens over time? It is such a complex feeling and I wanna get to the bottom of it.
I heard this the other day and I think it has real, great meaning.
"Man can learn to do everything but he hasn't learnt to be a man yet".
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Date: Sunday, May 4, 2008 | Time: 8:41 PM
The party is under way! Yipee! I am soo glad that the preparations for Nans sixteenth birthday is finally starting. I have to prepare the invitations by today so that my princess can hand it out to her friends tomorrow. Tried burning the songs but cant so I guess I have to ask someone to help me:( Decorations are already being taken care of and I have to get the materials ready for the games. Hehe, I never knew that I can be soo good in being in charge of the organisation of the whole party. Oh, shit, I have to pen down the sequence of events by today... La dee da, never mind, I can do it. Like how Anna puts it, I am Ms super Hema! Haha. Damn! I have to get a present for her too, and must bring her shopping to get her birthday attire! Time is running short! I should hurry...What else? Ya, its mother's day this Sunday so got to prepare something too... Um.. Gosh! Its my birthday this Saturday and I actually forgot! That's a first, Ma should be proud that finally the world isnt revolving around me, as long as I am concerned. Lols. Well, anyway, I am gonna turn nineteen! Haha, thats exciting and I finally got that letter from SIM. Fallback plan saved. At least its a course I will LOVE doing. Anyway, should sign off cos there is loads to be done!!!!
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Date: Thursday, May 1, 2008 | Time: 6:22 PM
I am feeling the following right now. Hurt, disappointed, self anger, disgrace, sick and damn tired. Dont ask me if one person can feel all of this at any one time cos I will ask you to sod off and ask if you have an emotional range of a teaspoon. Cos I am feeling like darn shit right now and I do not mind letting my composure get away, nor minding the words rolling off my tongue. Why did I even for a moment think I was smart enough to ace the As? Hell, why do people still see me as intelligent given my lack of academic attainments? Most of my friends have gotten that letter from SIM and here I am, still waiting for mine. I know I did not do badly enough for them to reject it cos one of my friends who did worse than me got in. Its just my bloody luck. I hate myself now more than ever. I am always putting on a mask for others that sometimes I forget the true me. I am happy on the outside but, am writhing away in pain on the inside. I have cried for sooo many nights that even my tears have run dry. Nans, for the record I am NOT perfect. I am far away from it. I totally feel like a failure, I really do. Sometimes, I truly wish I could just die and forget all this pain and woes. I mean it. If not for the moral grounds and the fact that I will have to hurt my parents and Nans... sighssss. Man, if I were to be reborn, I wish I could be a butterfly or an animal. I mean it. I do not mind being a tree too, at least I will be useful to everyone. Someone once told me that to be born as a human, you must have committed some sort of sin at your last birth and I used to scoff at it. But, now I honestly know what they meant. I feel as if there are two parts of me, the one that has already grown up and the other that is refusing to grow up. The former wants a true companion and partner who will love me for who I am, who is willing to take me, together with my flaws and strengths and the latter wants to buy Disney movies and dance like a mad lady in the rain. ( Yes, I am still waiting for that one chance.)I do not care if it is normal feeling like that but I really want all this sorrow to stop. I am sick and tired of feeling worn, sick and worried. For once, I wanna feel true euphoria like the time when Nans stepped up to be head prefect. I thought life has its ups and downs. Believe me, I had my fair share of downs already. I am anxiously waiting for my ups now...