Memoirs Of A Dancer

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Date: Thursday, June 28, 2007 | Time: 9:17 PM

Ah, I really do not know what to write but since I had no school today( Yipee!), I thought I might as well scribble down something. Cos, I will not have the time after that. Intensive 'A' level revision gonna starts next week! Aargh! Never mind, it will all be worth it( hopefully) when I get back my results.*Fingers crossed!*
I feel so down nowadays and for once, it is because of my sister. I think I can get sooo possessive at times and that is my greatest downfall. When my dear old cousin, Sathish started to have some sort of a vendetta against me, I broke down. Only God know the amount of nights I spent crying in bed. I loved him sooo much and though I hate to admit it, I still do have a soft sport for him. I am really hurting inside but I always put up a nonchalant front. Like I do not care, when I really, sincerely do. I hate myself for loving people soo much. I hate myself for letting them walk over me and hurt me. I hate myself for letting this happen to me. I am supposed to be the tough one, the one who is supposedly immune to all sorts of things that can actually kill people. I hate myself for letting this out, where almost everyone can know about my vulnerability. Shit, I hate being vulnerable. I hate being a sentimental freak. Damnit. Why did God have to go and create me the type of girl who thinks that love makes the world go around?! I used to pride myself for thinking that way. But, having to endure sooo much of hurt and neglect, I think I should just stop loving people that much.
Sure, I have a great deal of friends. But, aren't friend supposed to make you feel better, be with you when there are dark clouds gathering in your horizons? Mine do not. They do so for other friends but not for me. In fact, they blatantly tell to my face that I am ugly, stupid, you get the idea. I am not saying that I take all those comments into heart but it still hurts. I am not someone who desires compliments 24/7 but I am someone who craves being loved, being appreciated.Unfortunately, I do not get that.
Probably, I am just a twisted, melodramatic jerk but I do have feelings too. And, almost everyone forgets about it including my mother. Probably, this is all about me. Why would so many people be against me and my feelings if there wasnt something wrong with me?Perhaps, I am not a good daughter, friend and especially a sister. Maybe everyone has realized it except me. I think i am putting the blame on others when actually the fault lies with me. I hate myself for that. I have always thought perfection was great. I used to love myself for being a perfectionist who cannot sleep simply because something was not placed the right way. Now, I hate myself for that. Probably, it is just that perfection that breaks me away from my beloved ones. I should have been an idiot, a non-feminist, someone who does not voice out her opinions. Or, I should have been a rebel, a hypocrite, someone who voices out all of her views, both good and bad. Or I simply should not have been born.
I hate myself for sinking in self-pity but I cannot help it. How would you feel when the person whom you loved beyond anything actually turns to someone else for comfort, for relief? I feel like my life has been sucked out of me. Once again, haha, I feel all alone. I have always thought about all those who have made an influence in my life. Sadly, now when I come to think about it, I do not think I have made such an impact on anyone's life.

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Date: Wednesday, June 27, 2007 | Time: 11:23 PM

Oh,wow. I just read Rajesh ka's blog. Thank god for blogging. I never thought there will be a day when I will say this since it has always been my concept that technology cuts down communication and all that crap. I guess I will have to eat up my words now. Without this blogging and tagging thingy, we might not have started to bond. What she has typed is sooo true. We rarely get a chance to meet up and everything. Once agian, I have to thank blogging and my crazy sister for introducing it to me.
Well, that aside, Harry Potter mania is back! And I am sooo caught up with it. Haha. Finally, after long torturous hours of waiting, the final book is out! Yipee!I sooo want Harry to win the final battle. Once again, dear Ms Rowling has to go and kill not one, but TWO major characters. And, unfortunately rumour has it that Hermione dies. In other words, Vins!, Nans!, I am going to die! *sob sob* Dont forget me, ok? Oh, ya and the other character is either Neville or Hagrid. Damn it, man. I am already starting to hate the plot a bit. Who wouldnt when your favourite character actually DIES? Aargh! My frustration is boiling over the limits!
Then , the movie is coming out soon. Right after dada's birthday. In that, Sirius dies. Sighzzz.... but, Emma Watson looks hot, hot ,hot! Then again, life is soooo unfair! They actually had an unofficial premeire TODAY in Tokyo. The green monster living underneath my skin is starting to awake. I am soooo jealous! The worst thing, all those lucky asses actually got to see Daniel Radcliffe in person. The envy-o-meter is reaching its peak! Oh, well some get it while others dont. The stupid rule of Life. Unfortunately, I am one of those who didnt get it. Double Aargh!

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Date: Tuesday, June 26, 2007 | Time: 8:04 PM

Okay, I should have typed in this entry a loong time ago but exams and everything took up my time. It is not as if the hell period is over yet but I badly needed a break. The Bio paper was such a killer.Surprisingly, though the Chem paper was manageable. I am keeping my fingers crossed still. And, I have Maths and Econs tomorrow. Oh, man. Exams are such a drag but the wait for the results is even worse! Okaay, I should stop talking about it.
Durga akka's birthday bash was soo much fun but it would have been better if Sateesh had come . Well, you cannot get both the cake and the icing after all. When all of them got together and started singing that song, I was almost in tears. Correction, I was in tears but I guess I hid it pretty well. It was soooo hauntingly beautiful and the lyrics reminded me of that someone. The same person I was so reluctant to let go but eventually did. It hurts real badly though especially when you grew up with them and they start throwing words at you. All those ancient poets were right after all. Words do hurt more than a knife ever will. Ummmm.... Okay, I promised myself no more tears over Mr. You-know-who....
Well, anyways, her party got me thinking about mine. And how will I be at that tender age of 21. Will I be some rich, successful career woman or will I still be the same tongue-tied when hot guys start speaking to you girl ? Would I have gotten my much desired degree or will I be still working towards it? Ah,I guess time will answer those. Till then I guess I have to sit tight and wait. And, heck, I have never been good at waiting.

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Date: Thursday, June 21, 2007 | Time: 8:47 PM

A Sister Is....
By Lisa Baillargeon

Someone special, a friend so true,
Exactly the same, yet different from you;
She knows your thoughts without a word,
Understands your feelings before they are heard;
May drift apart but remains near,
In her heart she holds you dear;
Your secrets safe, your faults untold,
A bond of trust she will uphold;
So cherish her as she does you,
For remember you are a sister too.

Three things I have realized ever since I have started blogging. First, I am a poem freak. Maybe, one day I will be able to publish all my poems scrawled in my little pink book. Then, I had no idea before that I am such a soppy idiot! I love sentimental stuff. One more characteristic of my mother's in my pocket. Haha. Lastly, that the person I really love the most are actually not the guys who come in my dreams after all. It is my sister. Sisters are so important, right? They are somewhat honour-bound to stick with you through thick or thin. I know that mine will stay with me till the day I die, no doubt about it. I am penning(?) this down because I just realized that my sister had a grounding influence over me. Who cares if she is younger than me?! I will forever cherish her....

A sister is nagging and needling, whispers and whisperings, bribery and thumpings, borrowings, breakings, kisses and cuddlings, lendings, surprises, defendings and comfortings, welcoming home.
- Pam Brown

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Date: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 | Time: 9:31 PM

Well, there I was feeling like shit, feeling like the world is moving on without me when I decided to open my mail box. What a surprise I received! One of my secondary schoolmates, whom I have been missing like crazy, had sent me a mail about how she will never forget me and all those mushy stuff. Well, I was seriously touched. God is so unpredictable in oh, so many ways. Just when I feel like dirt, something will definitely take place to indicate that I am blessed too. Then, I will start to feel special again. Heck, isn't everyone unique in their own way? I am sooo glad that I have met people who have touched me in different ways and made a difference in my life. This especially includes all those who have hurt me in many ways. I guess I have to thank them cos they have played a huge part in moulding me into who I am today. Without them putting me down when I did not attain my goals, I will never have gotten to show them what i am exactly capable of. I would not have started to come out of my comfort zone. I would not have developed my love of achieving something and then, challenging myself to outdo myself. I pretty much believe that makes me who I am today. And, I am honestly glad about it. Cos, if I do not start loving myself first, then who will? Sure, I can be high strung at times, intense and a tad too competitive. Not forgetting sensitive. But, hey everyone has flaws- and failures. And, I should honestly learn to be more forgiving of myself and accept my own flaws. Cos, no one is perfect.

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
- Rumi

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Date: Monday, June 18, 2007 | Time: 12:11 AM

Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! Sometimes you are filled with trepidation when you have to meet people that you have never known in your life. That is exactly how I felt when my dear dada came home one day to say that we were going to go to a chalet with his best friend. I felt lost, I did not want to go. Then, again when you are thrown into the waters without any help, you try your best to swim against the current, right? That is exactly what I did and the results were wondrous! I met the most gorgeous people at the chalet. They were all so special. Thank god, God has created such beautiful people. Especially Sateesh! I did not know, or even guess, that guys can be such sweet darlings. He is a special kid, till to his toe. I am sooo glad that I have met him. The chalet was a wonderful, memorable memory for me. It will stay with me till my last breath. And, once again, I have to thank my dada for that.

Signing off, yours truly

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Date: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 | Time: 4:27 AM

I love my new blog skin!!!!! It is soo pretty just like me! Okay, haha. This just indicates that I am in a very wacky mood! ( Like I am not always wacky:) Oh, man. I went on a 'tagging' rampage today and it was damn fun! Pity though, not enough time to complete my 'spree'. Haha. Never mind, will finish it some other day....( I hope!)
I am in a super super super duper happy,okay, scrap that, EXHILARATED mood! Nans is the next HEAD prefect of Whitley! How cool is that?! My very own sister, the head prefect of my ex- secondary school! This is realllly cool! Really, really, really cool!!!! Ah, the joy of putting shit on people's faces, I mean literally. Bah, humbug to those who were doubting my sister's capabilities. No one, and I mean no one, including yours truly, had ever attained this kind of success! If anyone is going to start to say, "Oh, my daughter was given the post but she rejected it....", I am going to blow up and I mean, serious blow! I think you get the idea....
Ohhh, and if ANYONE, and I mean anyone still thinks this is some sort of joke, await and behold the mysteries of life. Unfortunately for those who think we are oh so arrogant , I think that God does not feel the same way BECAUSE he is rewarding us. So there you go, dear old cousin brothers ( *hint hint* ). Oh, and if we ever were sore losers, ( bless your souls), then erm.... at least we have never BETRAYED anyone and we will never do so. And, my conscience is crystal clear. I do not think everyone is proud of THAT!
Erm.... I guess I kind of side tracked here. As I was saying, I am soooo proud of my little babe. She has grown up to be such an individual with so much morals and a strong mind. I guess I have played a part in her moulding. I mean, I hope I have been a great role model. But, sometimes I fail to see that my sister, though younger, is a role model for ME at times. I am glad that though we were born as sisters, we chose to be friends. Because she is the most special friend I have and will ever have. And nothing and no one will ever change that! Oh, man, I am being soppy here. But, heck. I am a girl, I can afford to go all sentimental.

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Date: Tuesday, June 12, 2007 | Time: 1:57 AM

I have had enough of my own lamenting. I have not realized that I am such a spoiled brat, almost wanting much more than what I already have. So, I have decided to dedicate this 'issue' to be grateful to what I possess and to become more aware of those less fortuate around me. And, of course, do my part to help them and make this world a better place ( I hope.)

Thank you God for providing me with the following:)
The greatest parents in the world
A sister who annoys me but sticks with me through thick or thin
For shelter above my head.
For the food that I have.
For all of the clothes that covers me up.
My friends of varying shapes and sizes( and attitudes!)
For those who challenge me by doubting my capabilities
And, unfortunately for them, by spurring me on to achieve greater heights
For all the memories that I am able to have
For my flaws to show that I am human
For my sight that aids me in marveling at all the wonders of the world ( especially the moon!)
My hearing to listen to the wonderful nature surronding me
My sense of feeling to be able to enjoy the feel of my loved ones
My sense of taste to be able to savour all the food dishes ( Yum!)
My nose to smell all the roses( Haha)

And so much more.... but I just cannot seem to put a finger to it right now. So, yeah... that's about it, then....

MySpace Glitter Graphics

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Date: Thursday, June 7, 2007 | Time: 9:02 PM

Okaay, as from today, I have officially gone crazy. I am addicted to blogging! During all of my free time( which is not exactly a lot) , I am thinking up of stuff to write in my blog. Aargh! I just hope this addiction is for the better. Nandhini has created a monster unknowingly.Hahahaha. I love my little darling, man. She might be smaller( literally) and younger but she has given me sooo much. I am just afraid that I am receiving more than giving. After all, I am the elder sister and have to be a great role model for her and just her. ( okaay, probably I can include Shalini, Bella and Vimal here.) Nevertheless, I am going to try to be a better sister form today onwards. I must be more patient with her.( This is going to be a DIFFICULT task.) No matter how I look at it, relationships are worth soo much more than all the material things in the world. Even then, some relationships are just more worth it and one such example is the bond I have with my sister.
I have learned, unfortunately the painful way, but have learned nonetheless that as people change, their mindset, their priorities, their views change together with them. They also start to feel that some relationships are more fun to hold on to whole others tend to be boring. Call me sore, I do not care. In fact, I am sick and tired about giving a damn about what others say and living my life to gain these people's support. I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT FOR THESE PEOPLE ANYMORE. My life is just going to include the people who are important to me and those who deem me to be significant in their lives. Someone once said that they did not have to care what they are saying as they are of a particular age. Well, I am going to say the same thing. I am 18 years old and I can have my own say in this world. I am not going to fear anyone except for my parents. I do not give a damn about what is happening in other people's lives. I am not going to take the initiative to re-establish lost relationships. I am no longer going to be the NICE GIRL because according to some, I am being nice for a purpose. Ah, heck those immature people.
I am sooo glad that my heart has finally realized that I have emerged out of the cocoon triumphantly. I have formed my own person and I am truly grateful for that. My mother, without saying, is the GREATEST driving force in my life and will always be. Sure, some will say that she is too controlling and did not give me much Independence. Even I am guilty of agreeing to that at times. But now, I regret because without her love and guidance, and of course my dada's support, I will not be who I am today. I might be a typical teenager who feels that partying is much more worth your while. Heck, I do that at times but at least, I have gotten my priorities right.
My parents are the most gentle, kind, loving beings in the world and if anyone, that includes God, tries to harm them.... I will not hesitate to bite off that person's head. Like I said earlier, I am 18 and I DO NOT GIVE A DAMN. Unfortunately, they have also instilled in me the value called forgiveness. Sigh! So I shall forgive all those stuff that has taken place in the past. But,no matter how hard you try, the past remains a part of you and motivates you, pushes you on to make certain decisions. I have made one such decision and I am not going to flinch away from it. After all, I am my daddy's girl and his blood runs strong in mine.
I have let go who I thought I will never let go. I have wasted enough tears on him already. He has found a path with new found friends and I have found mine. What I thought will never happen has eventually taken place. Kudos to those who wanted it to be this way. We have our own lives now and sadly( is it really?) , the bond is forever lost and our paths will never meet again. Is it for the better or for the worse? I do not know and I do not care. All I know is that I have let him go....

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Date: Wednesday, June 6, 2007 | Time: 2:30 AM

Matters of the heart by ME!

I may not be pretty with luscious lips and eyes that twinkle in the night,
I may not be sexy with a small waist and well-toned legs,
I may not be intelligent with an answer to every single question,
I may not be smart with plans that enable me to escape from trouble,
I may not be attractive with an hour-glass figure and perfect teeth,
I may not be athletic with basketball skills and killer cheerleader moves,
I may not be cute with a button nose and curly, bouncy hair,

But yet, I am proud of my existence on this place we call Earth because
I know that giving is so much better than taking,
I know that smiling is so much nicer than frowning,
I know that hugging is much more comfortable than shoving,
I know that praying is much more satisfying than fighting,
I know that admitting is so much greater than lying,
I know that letting go is more fulfilling than holding on,
I know that loving is more wonderful than hating.

Yes, I pride myself for knowing and understanding the matters of the heart
Which really matter....

Haha.I guess I was really inspired by the 'Phenomenal Woman' poem that I decided to come up with my own. Haha. I know it is nowhere as good as hers but hey, cut me some slack. It was just one shot. Lol!

★ Phenomenal Woman

Date: Monday, June 4, 2007 | Time: 2:14 AM

PHENOMENAL WOMAN by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

This poem is so gorgeous, it is utterly unbelievable. The underlying meaning is soo true that I cannot believe that it has actually taken me 18 years to finally get it that confidence is the root for many things. And there I was wondering why all the ugly( ahem, it is not as if I am beautiful but still...) , ok, all the not so pretty girls are the ones with the hunks. Okaay... I am not being fair here. Sometimes the nice looking ladies gets the hideous guys. But that is besides the point. The fundamental concept is that I do not need a guy to make me feel good. I am my own person! Man, am I glad that I have realized it now. Only God knows why the hell I was pondering over not getting the 'Man's' attention. WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT GUYS THINK?! I am a phenomenal women and I will stay that way till the day I die.

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Date: Sunday, June 3, 2007 | Time: 12:26 AM

Phew! These past few days have been sooo tiring but loads of fun!!!!!!!!Kids are such adorable beings! It is such a pity that everyone has to grow up and go through this huge metamorphosis and change their character and all that crap. Sigh! Okay, I have started my usual moaning and groaning. Well, back to the previous thingy. Kids are gorgeous beings! They are sooo pure and innocent... Double Sigh! I had to organise this children's camp and be their mentor and it was so rewarding! I loved doing this man! This is my niche! I sooo want to do this again! I have already started to miss those kiddies! Whaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Never mind and then again, I have Nandhini who is the queen of kiddies. Hahahahaha....